Microsoft God
Malcolm Lawrence (malcolm@wolfenet.com)
Wed, 04 Feb 1998 20:14:16 -0800
A little midweek frivolity for those of us who support our Flemish
brethren. ;-)
> New Microsoft Product
>
> Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright,
> and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named,
predictably
> enough, Microsoft God, and would be available to consumers
some time in
> late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today's
world,"
> said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions
division.
> "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will
add an easy,
> intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to
find, but
> easier to communicate with."
>
> The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude
> of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
>
> Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all
worshipper
> accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God,
or from
> competing products like Buddha or Allah.
>
> Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties
Microsoft God
> with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord
accessible
> from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser
interface. It
> introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic
Salvation and
> Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be
donated via a
> Secure Alms Server.
>
> Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface,
this product
> will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a
minimum of
> time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed
delivery of
> the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable
users to
> construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
>
> Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to
transfer their
> sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval,
the product
> will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear
line of
> secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
>
> Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary
> products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the
> functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing
a
> customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on
popular
> religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new
God
> product in much the same way as the previous version. This
line is
> expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft
Catholicism,
> Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
>
> Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is
planning to
> release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would
attempt to
> render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
>