Re: entrance essays YUCK -Reply
Malcolm Lawrence (malcolm@wolfenet.com)
Fri, 02 Jan 1998 10:13:22 -0800
Life is short and much too important to take too seriously. And always
keep in mind that the truth and reality are usually pretty estranged from
each other.
Malcolm
------------------------
This is an actual essay that a guy used to get himself accepted at NYU 2
or 3 years ago.
I believe it's been published in the New York Times as well as the Boston
Globe and is pretty funny.
This is actually an essay written by a college applicant when applying to
colleges/universities.
The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET
TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE
HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of
heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage
time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines
with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty
minutes. I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the
Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello,
I was scouted by the
Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build
large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private
citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer
I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost,
Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room
that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning
of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and
a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.