The Haunted Turkey Alice walked down the seemingly endless rows of frozen cases, in search=20 of a turkey that would satisfy the holiday needs of her family. Alice was=20 merely eight years old, but very mature for her age. She read at a tenth=20 grade level and much preferred reading to playing childish games. Her mothe= r=20 had instructed her to find a proper turkey while she shopped for cosmetics.=20= =20 Alice quickly acquiesced. She loved the holidays, and was very fond of=20 turkeys. She considered herself a connoisseur. =20 As she walked past every row of turkeys, she became more and more aware=20 of this particular grocery store's shoddy selection. She was about to give=20 up when she saw a turkey at the very far end of the aisle that she was=20 currently on. It was a grand turkey, a majestic turkey, a powerful turkey.=20= =20 It was the biggest turkey she had ever seen before. Instead of having the=20 usual "Butterball" or "Honeysuckle" labels on the turkey, it had, instead, a= =20 very large label that simply said "BIG TURKEY" in big, black, block letters.= =20 Alice knew this was the turkey she wanted. She approached the nearest=20 employee. "If you aren't too busy, kind sir, will you please take that =E2=80=98BI= G TURKEY'=20 over there to my mother. She is currently in the cosmetics section. She's=20 the one with the pink lipstick. I would do it myself, you see, but I am=20 merely a small girl and that particular turkey is far too large for me to=20 carry." "Oh," said the employee, "are you referring to the =E2=80=98BIG TURKEY'?= " "Well, that's what I said, right?" "Don't you know that turkey is haunted?!" Alice laughed heartily, as if there were a thousand drunken men playing=20= a=20 round of darts in her belly. "Oh, you dear, dear man. You amuse me. What=20 is your name?" "Mario the Meat Man." "Well, Mario. If you must know, I never took to much liking to haunted=20 turkey stories. I've heard them all before. And the very fact that this=20 turkey has such an urban legend surrounding it makes me want it even more." "Fine, then," said Mario. "Don't say I didn't warn ya." Mario put some protective gloves on and got Alice the turkey. He=20 followed her to her mother, who was trying on various lipsticks at her own=20 leisure. "I got the turkey, mother. Isn't it lovely?" "Oh, my dear," said Alice's mother. "It's glorious. We shall leave thi= s=20 place at once, return home, and then cook a grand feast for ourselves."=20 "Grand," said both Alice and her mother. =20 Own the way home, Alice thought she would strike up a conversation about= =20 the myth surrounding their new turkey. "Mario the Meat Man said that this particular turkey is haunted, mother.= =20 What do you think of that?"=20 "Well, I think that is preposterous, Alice. Everyone knows the only bir= d=20 that allows itself to be possessed by the spirit of another dead bird is the= =20 emu. Everyone knows that, dear." "I suppose you're right, mother." Alice and her mother arrived home ready to cook the greatest Thanksgivin= g=20 feast either of them had ever had before. =20 "Should we invite Aunt Caroline or Uncle Mortimer?" inquired Alice.=20 "No," said her mother, "they always bring that awful green bean=20 casserole." "Ah, yes. How about Grandma and Grandpa." "No, you know how I detest old people, Alice" "Ah, yes. How about . . . " "I have an idea," interrupted Alice's mother. "Let's just have=20 Thanksgiving dinner by ourselves this year. Just the two of us." =20 They both looked at each other for a moment. "Grand." Alice's mother placed the turkey in the oven while Alice watched. =20 "How long do you think it will take, mother?" =20 "Oh, I don't know. It couldn't take more than half an hour, tops."=20 "Fine, then. I suppose I'll go upstairs a build a fort out of my books=20 again. Care to join me, mother?" "I'd love to, darling."=20 "Grand." As Alice and her mother assembled two large walls out of Alice's huge=20 collection of books, things were beginning to go very wrong down in the=20 kitchen. After only a few minutes, the turkey began to expand at a great=20 rate. The oven would soon no longer be able to hold this great bird. The=20 oven door blew open with force. Alice and her mother ran downstairs, quite=20 calmly, to see what was the matter. As they walked through the two wooden=20 doors, they saw something they had never seen before. A half cooked turkey,= =20 nine feet in height, and at least four feet in width, standing on its hind=20 legs. It looked very angry. "I am the spirit of Sitting Bull! I was one of the Indian tribe leaders= =20 that attended the first Thanksgiving held by those terrible Pilgrims." "Really?" asked Alice. "Why is your spirit residing in a turkey, off al= l=20 things? "Geez, I don't know. I guess I just love irony." "Ahh . . . I see." =20 "What," pleaded Alice's mother, "do you want us to do for you, sir?" =20 "All I really want is to have a nice dinner, with two nice people, and=20 not be killed when we're done. Not like last time." =20 Alice, her mother, and the haunted turkey sat down at the dinner table.=20= =20 Alice served the turkey some stuffing and her mother served him some=20 cranberry sauce. =20 "Oh, this is divine," said the turkey. "This is what I've always dreamt= =20 of." =20 "We do have one problem, however," stated Alice. "You were to be our=20 turkey. Our main course to the feast."=20 "How about this," laughed the turkey. With a hard jerk, he tore off his= =20 left wing and threw it on the centerpiece, causing a myriad of potpourri to=20 fly everywhere. =20 "Didn't that hurt?!" =20 "No . . . I'm just a spirit. The turkey can't feel anything. He's dead= ,=20 ya know." "Grand." After they finished their meal, the turkey grew limp and fell on the=20 floor. The window above the sink opened and the curtains blew in. The=20 haunted turkey was haunted no longer. -Andrew Morgan