A Thanksgiving Story

ZGlass9@aol.com
Thu, 25 Nov 1999 22:49:27 -0500 (EST)

The Haunted Turkey



    Alice walked down the seemingly endless rows of frozen cases, in search=20
of a turkey that would satisfy the holiday needs of her family.  Alice was=20
merely eight years old, but very mature for her age.  She read at a tenth=20
grade level and much preferred reading to playing childish games.  Her mothe=
r=20
had instructed her to find a proper turkey while she shopped for cosmetics.=20=
=20
Alice quickly acquiesced.  She loved the holidays, and was very fond of=20
turkeys.  She considered herself a connoisseur. =20
    As she walked past every row of turkeys, she became more and more aware=20
of this particular grocery store's shoddy selection.  She was about to give=20
up when she saw a turkey at the very far end of the aisle that she was=20
currently on.  It was a grand turkey, a majestic turkey, a powerful turkey.=20=
=20
It was the biggest turkey she had ever seen before.  Instead of having the=20
usual "Butterball" or "Honeysuckle" labels on the turkey, it had, instead, a=
=20
very large label that simply said "BIG TURKEY" in big, black, block letters.=
 =20
Alice knew this was the turkey she wanted.  She approached the nearest=20
employee.
    "If you aren't too busy, kind sir, will you please take that =E2=80=98BI=
G TURKEY'=20
over there to my mother.  She is currently in the cosmetics section.  She's=20
the one with the pink lipstick.  I would do it myself, you see, but I am=20
merely a small girl and that particular turkey is far too large for me to=20
carry."
    "Oh," said the employee, "are you referring to the =E2=80=98BIG TURKEY'?=
"
    "Well, that's what I said, right?"
    "Don't you know that turkey is haunted?!"
    Alice laughed heartily, as if there were a thousand drunken men playing=20=
a=20
round of darts in her belly.  "Oh, you dear, dear man.  You amuse me.  What=20
is your name?"
    "Mario the Meat Man."
    "Well, Mario.  If you must know, I never took to much liking to haunted=20
turkey stories.  I've heard them all before.  And the very fact that this=20
turkey has such an urban legend surrounding it makes me want it even more."
    "Fine, then," said Mario.  "Don't say I didn't warn ya."

    Mario put some protective gloves on and got Alice the turkey.  He=20
followed her to her mother, who was trying on various lipsticks at her own=20
leisure.
    "I got the turkey, mother.  Isn't it lovely?"
    "Oh, my dear," said Alice's mother.  "It's glorious.  We shall leave thi=
s=20
place at once, return home, and then cook a grand feast for ourselves."=20
    "Grand," said both Alice and her mother.
                           =20
    Own the way home, Alice thought she would strike up a conversation about=
=20
the myth surrounding their new turkey.
    "Mario the Meat Man said that this particular turkey is haunted, mother.=
 =20
What do you think of that?"=20
    "Well, I think that is preposterous, Alice.  Everyone knows the only bir=
d=20
that allows itself to be possessed by the spirit of another dead bird is the=
=20
emu.  Everyone knows that, dear."
    "I suppose you're right, mother."

    Alice and her mother arrived home ready to cook the greatest Thanksgivin=
g=20
feast either of them had ever had before.  =20
    "Should we invite Aunt Caroline or Uncle Mortimer?" inquired Alice.=20
    "No," said her mother, "they always bring that awful green bean=20
casserole."
    "Ah, yes.  How about Grandma and Grandpa."
    "No, you know how I detest old people, Alice"
    "Ah, yes.  How about . . . "
    "I have an idea," interrupted Alice's mother.  "Let's just have=20
Thanksgiving dinner by ourselves this year.  Just the two of us."  =20
    They both looked at each other for a moment.  "Grand."

    Alice's mother placed the turkey in the oven while Alice watched.  =20
    "How long do you think it will take, mother?"  =20
    "Oh, I don't know.  It couldn't take more than half an hour, tops."=20
    "Fine, then.  I suppose I'll go upstairs a build a fort out of my books=20
again.  Care to join me, mother?"
    "I'd love to, darling."=20
    "Grand."

    As Alice and her mother assembled two large walls out of Alice's huge=20
collection of books, things were beginning to go very wrong down in the=20
kitchen.  After only a few minutes, the turkey began to expand at a great=20
rate.  The oven would soon no longer be able to hold this great bird.  The=20
oven door blew open with force.  Alice and her mother ran downstairs, quite=20
calmly, to see what was the matter.  As they walked through the two wooden=20
doors, they saw something they had never seen before.  A half cooked turkey,=
=20
nine feet in height, and at least four feet in width, standing on its hind=20
legs.  It looked very angry.
    "I am the spirit of Sitting Bull!  I was one of the Indian tribe leaders=
=20
that attended the first Thanksgiving held by those terrible Pilgrims."
    "Really?" asked Alice.  "Why is your spirit residing in a turkey, off al=
l=20
things?
    "Geez, I don't know.  I guess I just love irony."
    "Ahh . . . I see."             =20
    "What," pleaded Alice's mother, "do you want us to do for you, sir?"   =20
    "All I really want is to have a nice dinner, with two nice people, and=20
not be killed when we're done.  Not like last time."   =20

    Alice, her mother, and the haunted turkey sat down at the dinner table.=20=
=20
Alice served the turkey some stuffing and her mother served him some=20
cranberry sauce.   =20
    "Oh, this is divine," said the turkey.  "This is what I've always dreamt=
=20
of."   =20
    "We do have one problem, however," stated Alice.  "You were to be our=20
turkey.  Our main course to the feast."=20
    "How about this," laughed the turkey.  With a hard jerk, he tore off his=
=20
left wing and threw it on the centerpiece, causing a myriad of potpourri to=20
fly everywhere. =20
    "Didn't that hurt?!"    =20
    "No . . . I'm just a spirit.  The turkey can't feel anything.  He's dead=
,=20
ya know."
    "Grand."

    After they finished their meal, the turkey grew limp and fell on the=20
floor.  The window above the sink opened and the curtains blew in.  The=20
haunted turkey was haunted no longer.

-Andrew Morgan