rules for writing.

depressed@collegemail.com
Sat, 27 Nov 1999 11:43:41 +0000 

In light of the recent arguments about capital letters and how to write, here 
are some rules for writing. These may also be good for those of you who want to 
write stories. (and when is the bananafish review (isn't that what it's called?)
coming out? I'm not gonna get it since I live in iceland, but if any of you 
have some of your stories on the web I'd love to read them.)

RULES FOR WRITING:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly 
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however 
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking 
ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell 
me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist 
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used. 
36. Do not put statements in the negative form. 
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 
38. A writer must not shift your point of view. 
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or 
more words, to their antecedents. 
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun 
with singular nouns in their writing. 
45. Always pick on the correct idiom. 
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym. And Finally...
48. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Enjoy! (I did not write these rules)

-Grant-
"Teenage angst has paid off well
 Now I'm bored and old"
                k. cobain


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