A little end-of-the-week levity I just had passed to me. Enjoy. Malcs ---------------------------- Today on Jenny Jones: Post-postmodernism > JENNY JONES: Boy, we have a show for you today! > > > > > > Recently, the University of Virginia philosopher > > > Richard Rorty made the stunning declaration that nobody > > > has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism means. > > > "It would be nice to get rid of it," he said. "It isn't > > > exactly an idea; it's a word that pretends to stand for an > > > idea." > > > > > > This shocking admission that there is no such thing as > > > postmodernism has produced a firestorm of protest around the > > > country. Thousands of authors, critics and graduate students > > > who'd considered themselves postmodernists are outraged at > > > the betrayal. > > > > > > Today we have with us a writer -- a recovering postmodernist-- > > > who believes that his literary career and personal life have been > > > irreparably damaged by the theory, and who feels defrauded by the > > > academics who promulgated it. He wishes to remain anonymous, > > > so we'll call him "Alex." > > > > > > Alex, as an adolescent, before you began experimenting with > > > postmodernism, you considered yourself -- what? > > > > > > Close shot of ALEX. > > > > > > An electronic blob obscures his face. Words appear at bottom > > > of screen: "Says he was traumatized by postmodernism and > > > blames academics." > > > > > > ALEX (his voice electronically altered): A high modernist. > > > Y'know, Pound, Eliot, Georges Braque, Wallace Stevens, > > > Arnold Schoenberg, Mies van der Rohe. I had all of > > > Schoenberg's 78's. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: And then you started reading people like > > > Jean-Francois Lyotard and Jean Baudrillard -- how did that > > > change your feelings about your modernist heroes? > > > > > > ALEX: I suddenly felt that they were, like, stifling > > > and canonical. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: Stifling and canonical? That is so sad, such > > > a waste. How old were you when you first read Fredric > > > Jameson? > > > > > > ALEX: Nine, I think. > > > > > > The AUDIENCE gasps. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: We have some pictures of young Alex. ... > > > > > > We see snapshots of 14-year-old ALEX reading Gilles Deleuze > > > and Felix Guattari's "Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and > > > Schizophrenia." The AUDIENCE oohs and ahs. > > > > > > ALEX: We used to go to a friend's house after school -- > > > y'know, his parents were never home -- and we'd read, like, > > > Paul Virilio and Julia Kristeva. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: So you're only 14, and you're already skeptical > > > toward the "grand narratives" of modernity, you're questioning > > > any belief system that claims universality or transcendence. Why? > > > > > > ALEX: I guess -- to be cool. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: So, peer pressure? > > > > > > ALEX: I guess. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: And do you remember how you felt the very first > > > time you entertained the notion that you and your universe > > > are constituted by language -- that reality is a cultural > > > construct, a "text" whose meaning is determined by infinite > > > associations with other"texts"? > > > > > > ALEX: Uh, it felt, like, good. I wanted to do it again. The > > > AUDIENCE groans. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: You were arrested at about this time? > > > > > > ALEX: For spray-painting "The Hermeneutics of Indeterminacy" on > > > an overpass. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: You're the child of a mixed marriage -- is that > > > right? > > > > > > ALEX: My father was a de Stijl Wittgensteinian and my mom was > > > a neo-pre-Raphaelite. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: Do you think that growing up in a mixed marriage > > > made you more vulnerable to the siren song of postmodernism? > > > > > > ALEX: Absolutely. It's hard when you're a little kid not to > > > be able to just come right out and say (sniffles), y'know, > > > I'm an Imagist or I'm a phenomenologist or I'm a post-painterly > > > abstractionist. It's really hard -- especially around the > > > holidays. (He cries.) > > > > > > JENNY JONES: I hear you. Was your wife a postmodernist? > > > > > > ALEX: Yes. She was raised avant-pop, which is a fundamentalist > > > offshoot of postmodernism. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: How did she react to Rorty's admission that > > > postmodernism was essentially a hoax? > > > > > > ALEX: She was devastated. I mean, she's got all the John Zorn > > > albums and the entire Semiotext(e) series. She was crushed. > > > > > > We see ALEX'S WIFE in the audience, weeping softly, her > > > hands covering her face. > > > > > > JENNY > > > JONES: And you were raising your daughter as a postmodernist? > > > > > > ALEX: Of course. That's what makes this particularly tragic. > > > mean, how do you explain to a 5-year-old that self-consciously > > > recycling cultural detritus is suddenly no longer a valid art > > > form when, for her entire life, she's been taught that it is? > > > > > > JENNY JONES: Tell us how you think postmodernism > > > affected your career as a novelist. > > > > > > ALEX: I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real > > > passion. My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic. > > > It was all blank parody, irony enveloped in more irony. > > > > > > It merely recapitulated the pernicious banality of television > > > and advertising. I found myself indiscriminately incorporating > > > any and all kinds of pop kitsch and shlock. (He begins to weep > > > again.) > > > > > > JENNY JONES: And this spilled over into your personal life? > > > > > > ALEX: It was impossible for me to experience life with any > > > emotional intensity. I couldn't control the irony anymore. I > > > perceived my own feelings as if they were in quotes. > > > > > > I italicized everything and everyone. It became impossible > > > for me to appraise the quality of anything. To me everything > > > was equivalent-- the Brandenburg Concertos and the Lysol > > > jingle had the same value.... (He breaks down, sobbing.) > > > > > > JENNY JONES: Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you? > > > > > > ALEX: Yes. I'm suing the Modern Language Association. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: How confident are you about winning? > > > > > > ALEX: We need to prove that, while they were actively > > > propounding it, academics knew all along that postmodernism > > > was a specious theory. If we can unearth some intradepartmental > > > memos -- y'know, a paper trail-- any corroboration that they > > > knew postmodernism was worthless cant at the same time they > > > were teaching it, then I think we have an excellent shot at > > > establishing liability. > > > > > > JENNY JONES wades into audience and proffers microphone to a > > > woman. > > > > > > WOMAN (with lateral head-bobbing): It's ironic that Barry > > > Scheck is representing the M.L.A. in this litigation because > > > Scheck is the postmodern attorney par excellence. This is the > > > guy who's made a career of volatilizing truth in the > > > simulacrum of exculpation! > > > > > > VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: You go, girl! > > > > > > WOMAN: Scheck is the guy who came up with the quintessentially > > > postmodern re-bleed defense for O. J., which claims that O. > > > J. merely vigorously shook Ron and Nicole, thereby re-aggravating > > > pre-existing knife wounds. I'd just like to say to any client of > > > Barry-- lose that zero and get a hero! > > > > > > The AUDIENCE cheers wildly. > > > > > > WOMAN: Uh, I forgot my question. > > > > > > Dissolve to message on screen: > > > If you believe that mathematician Andrew Wiles' proof of > > > Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a member of your > > > family to dress too provocatively, call (800) 555-9455. > > > > > > Dissolve back to studio.In the audience, JENNY JONES > > > extends the microphone to a man in his mid-30's with a > > > scruffy beard and a bandana around his head. > > > > > > >>>MAN WITH BANDANA: I'd like to say that this "Alex" is > > > the single worst example of pointless irony in American > > > literature, and this whole heartfelt renunciation of > > > postmodernism is a ploy -- it's just more irony. > > > > > > The AUDIENCE whistles andhoots. > > > > > > ALEX: You think this is a ploy?! (He tears futilely at the > > > electronic blob.) This is my face! > > > > > > The AUDIENCE recoils in horror. > > > > > > ALEX: This is what can happen to people who naively embrace > > > postmodernism, to people who believe that the individual-- > > > the autonomous, individualist subject-- is dead. They become a > > > palimpsest of media pastiche-- a mask of metastatic irony.. > > > > > > JENNY JONES (biting lip and shaking her head): That is so > > > sad. Alex-- final words? > > > > > > ALEX: I'd just like to say that self-consciousness and irony > > > seem like fun at first, but they can destroy your life. I know. > > > You gotta be earnest, be real. Real feelings are important. > > > Objective reality does exist. AUDIENCE members whoop, stomp and > > > pump fists in the air. > > > > > > JENNY JONES: I'd like to thank Alex for having the > > > courage to come on today and share his experience with us. > > > > > > Join us for tomorrow's show, "The End of Manichean, Bipolar > > > Geopolitics Turned My Boyfriend Into an Insatiable Sex Freak > > > (and I Love It!)." > > >