RE: One of Seymour's poems...

Thanks Kim, now my poor poem looks like a daisy with all its petals falling
off, I thought I could press it in a book but now its just mulch.
Daniel

--- Yocum Daniel GS 21 CES/CEOE
<daniel.yocum@Peterson.af.mil> wrote:
> an empty bedroom
> on the lawn he is sitting
> full moon above youth
>
> dull ghostly approach
> feline rolling over bites
> widowers left hand
>

i like first line.
rhythm of second line limps; odd construction?
3rd: 'above' redundant? youth is wrong, i think.
widowers generally are not youths.

4th: very good. though don't like 'dull'
5th: a lot of action in this line; too much?--or one
could say it mimics a quick movement by cat. though i
think of the bite as a stately action. and not coming
so quickly after rolling over.
6th: ties in first line nicely. and has that crucial
'left business' which the family picked on, and buddy
hotly defended.

kim

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Received on Fri Jun 20 19:10:12 2003