RE: One of Seymour's poems...

daniel,

thanks for your reply re japanese haiku and samurai,
etc.

no, your poem isn't as you describe below. i liked
several aspects of it.

it's that we can't expect to get these things right
the first or tenth time UNLESS we are basho or rilke
or take-your-pick. inspiration, rewriting,
inspiration, rewriting ... until one's artistic
conscience can honestly say, 'this is really it'.

to write ten real poems in a lifetime is to be never
forgotten.

kim

--- Yocum Daniel GS 21 CES/CEOE
<daniel.yocum@Peterson.af.mil> wrote:
> Thanks Kim, now my poor poem looks like a daisy with
> all its petals falling
> off, I thought I could press it in a book but now
> its just mulch.
> Daniel
>
> --- Yocum Daniel GS 21 CES/CEOE
> <daniel.yocum@Peterson.af.mil> wrote:
> > an empty bedroom
> > on the lawn he is sitting
> > full moon above youth
> >
> > dull ghostly approach
> > feline rolling over bites
> > widowers left hand
> >
>
>
> i like first line.
> rhythm of second line limps; odd construction?
> 3rd: 'above' redundant? youth is wrong, i think.
> widowers generally are not youths.
>
> 4th: very good. though don't like 'dull'
> 5th: a lot of action in this line; too much?--or one
> could say it mimics a quick movement by cat. though
> i
> think of the bite as a stately action. and not
> coming
> so quickly after rolling over.
> 6th: ties in first line nicely. and has that
> crucial
> 'left business' which the family picked on, and
> buddy
> hotly defended.
>
> kim
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> SBC Yahoo! DSL - Now only $29.95 per month!
> http://sbc.yahoo.com
> -
> * Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with
> the message
> * UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH
> -
> * Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with
> the message
> * UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH

__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
SBC Yahoo! DSL - Now only $29.95 per month!
http://sbc.yahoo.com
-
* Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with the message
* UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH
Received on Fri Jun 20 19:37:01 2003