RE: One of Seymour's poems...

Forgotten? That is not my intent, but of course the work draws the
observers mind to the author, but me forgotten? That is the least of my
concerns. Kim, contrary to Scottie your little d in Daniel seems
appropriate. Flowers are for smiles they are not signatures but they do
reflect something, how could so much ordered dust make a soul sing? I am
talking genuine authentic flowers, and not self witnessed-authenticated
ones.
Daniel

daniel,

thanks for your reply re japanese haiku and samurai,
etc.

no, your poem isn't as you describe below. i liked
several aspects of it.

it's that we can't expect to get these things right
the first or tenth time UNLESS we are basho or rilke
or take-your-pick. inspiration, rewriting,
inspiration, rewriting ... until one's artistic
conscience can honestly say, 'this is really it'.

to write ten real poems in a lifetime is to be never
forgotten.

kim

--- Yocum Daniel GS 21 CES/CEOE
<daniel.yocum@Peterson.af.mil> wrote:
> Thanks Kim, now my poor poem looks like a daisy with
> all its petals falling
> off, I thought I could press it in a book but now
> its just mulch.
> Daniel
>
> --- Yocum Daniel GS 21 CES/CEOE
> <daniel.yocum@Peterson.af.mil> wrote:
> > an empty bedroom
> > on the lawn he is sitting
> > full moon above youth
> >
> > dull ghostly approach
> > feline rolling over bites
> > widowers left hand
> >
>
>
> i like first line.
> rhythm of second line limps; odd construction?
> 3rd: 'above' redundant? youth is wrong, i think.
> widowers generally are not youths.
>
> 4th: very good. though don't like 'dull'
> 5th: a lot of action in this line; too much?--or one
> could say it mimics a quick movement by cat. though
> i
> think of the bite as a stately action. and not
> coming
> so quickly after rolling over.
> 6th: ties in first line nicely. and has that
> crucial
> 'left business' which the family picked on, and
> buddy
> hotly defended.
>
> kim
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> SBC Yahoo! DSL - Now only $29.95 per month!
> http://sbc.yahoo.com
> -
> * Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with
> the message
> * UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH
> -
> * Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with
> the message
> * UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH

__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
SBC Yahoo! DSL - Now only $29.95 per month!
http://sbc.yahoo.com
-
* Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with the message
* UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH
-
* Unsubscribing? Mail majordomo@roughdraft.org with the message
* UNSUBSCRIBE BANANAFISH
Received on Fri Jun 20 19:45:10 2003