RE: One of Seymour's poems...

if you aren't anything else, you sure are persistent,
michael. my hat's off.

okay. in reading it, i realize i messed up in my
previous comment re 'blessing'. it reads fine this
time; i guess 'his' is understood re blessing. i
finally got your 'on' in 'on his left hand'. i was
misreading bites as a verb. idiot kim, it's a noun.
some reader, huh?

i grant you get all of the hard facts of the prose
gloss into the poem, but do you get a poem out of the
hard facts? i'm just asking, not criticizing. (this
is the problem i have when i splash pixels on screen.
there are syllables and some sense but no poetry. i'm
talking about me here, not you.)

i still find the opening weak. 2 syllables lost on
'upon'. the cliche 'spying the full moon' . seymour
writes something, granted, but did he write this? i
mean, the exercise wasn't simply to write 34 syllables
getting all the facts; i thought of it as to write
seymour's ACTUAL poem. i like the last three lines
okay but i don't think seymour's were those. if i
found the first three to be as strong, i'd shut up.
but i'm not willing to concede you've written a
seymouresque poem. but i applaud your ability and
persistent to get all that is in it. really i do.

--shamefaced kim
 
--- Michael J ANELLO <Michael.J.Anello@state.or.us>
wrote:
> no other try has contained all buddy's descriptions
> below, has it? i'd like to think there's a prettier
> way of conveying the following...
>
> young, widower, sitting on his grass, suburban,
> looking at the full moon, bored white female cat
> approaches, rolls over, he lets her bite his left
> hand
>
> than...
>
> young widower sits
> upon his suburban lawn
> spying the full moon
> bored miss white cat comes
> rolls over and with blessing
> bites on his left hand
>
> (duffman! oh yeah!)
> >>> daniel.yocum@Peterson.af.mil 06/26/03 02:19PM
> >>>
> OK Kim, drop the polish rag, let's see it.
> Daniel
>
>
>
>
> i'm very impressed with the bananafish offerings re
> the seymour poem.
>
> not to be a humbug, but:
>
> a double-haiku should have the following syllables
> per
> line:
>
> 575 575
>
> (it's easier to criticize than create.)
>
> i'm still fussing with/polishing mine.
>
> kim
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Received on Thu Jun 26 17:53:20 2003