Burning Pain
Face Inthecrowd (facethecrowd@hotmail.com)
Fri, 05 Nov 1999 16:17:28 -0500 (EST)
A line from RHTRBC sang so true for me. I share it with you all for no good
reason. I feel like bursting. The book is downstairs and my legs are
tired, so I rephrase it like it sounded to me.
"It charms and frightens me how Muriel falls in and out of love with me."
I am in love with a woman with a 3 year old girl and marital problems with
her husband. She plans to leave him for me. She says I sing to her soul
one moment, and the next, she backsteps away from me. She is a brilliant
woman who is five years older than me (27), and I have to learn so fast what
it means to hurt like she does. When we are distant from each other, when
we can't feel the bond, the pain scalds and it heals when we rejoin. The
relationship is so hard. Imagining what she's thinking at this very moment
destroys me. She falls in and out of love with a man she barely knows and I
am encouraging the very relationship that could harm her. Somedays, I feel
like a man watching his dog fight a bear for his sake, and running away.
Other times, I feel like I'm fighting the bear myself for her. Sometimes
she fights it for me. We both must endure intense pain to love each other.
No matter what, someone has to fight the bear, and, as the man, I feel it
must be me. But I'm riddled with doubt, bananafishers, and telling you that
I'm weaker than her makes me feel stronger, so be it. If you pray, pray for
my strength please. You may not know the feeling of staring at your lover
one moment and at a noose the next and feeling the same intensity. I could
be a blackness to her, or our combined blackness may combine both negatives
into positive. I don
t know. Just pray, you kind people, and I'll pray for you.
Jpahe
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