Re: Burning Pain

Face Inthecrowd (facethecrowd@hotmail.com)
Fri, 05 Nov 1999 17:14:25 -0500 (EST) 

Jim,

I appreciate your concern and what you say is correct.  My friends tell me 
I'm crazy, they say I'm going to wind up a Poor Tom of Bedlam and her 
daughter's going to grow wrong, and she's inevitably going to get hurt but 
she fuels herself on her own pain, this I'm sure of, and I'm only content 
when we're both pleased and safe.  She tries to get through to me, she tries 
to warm me up, but when her voice quivers I can't deny her pain.  And so 
when I try to help, she feels better, and I am loaded down with feelings of 
loathing for her husband, desperate confusion about her daughter, and wrist 
slitting love for her because- well, to place a pinpoint on a barn door, she 
speaks to me and I speak to her.  We understand each other.

If this means I'm going to end up as one of those guys that walks around the 
city barking their past lovers names and spitting everywhere, so be it.  For 
the time being, I am immaturely attracted to these flights of passion.  I 
have yet to see her, so this desire is mounting and my own reason is 
decreasing in place of the feeling.  I couldn't leave her now anyway.  If 
she left me I'd be crushed.

About names and legal stuff, I don't worry about it.  Her husband works in a 
pulp mill and reads Stephen King type books.  If anyone knows the guy, 
that's fine, he's better off to know that she's found another lover.  He 
already knows she's leaving him but he's trying to win her back after four 
years of dry toast with her.  He's an asshole and a liar.  He tells her that 
she won't get alimony, that he'll get so depressed he'll kill himself, that 
he'll take her to court to make her so broke she can't fight anymore.  He's 
lucky to never see me, the Dmitri of the Karmazovs, face to face.

I am torn between staying or leaving.  I could never leave her, but I can 
leave here.  She lives miles away but I am tempted to leave here any day 
now.  When I do leave, there is no turning back.

I thank you for your kind and wise advice, Jim.  I'm afraid that I can't 
leave her though.  Maybe I've been sucked into Duessa's motives, but I do 
need her more than she needs me.  I just have to get away from myself before 
I can do that.

Japhe

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