matt, in the time it took to read your mail my computer did in fact do many of the things you mentioned, except instead of edith piaf it was a cuban bolero and there was only the one bum around the fire in the rubbish bin. he was quite entertaining for a few moments until he started reading the dictionary backwards, out loud. he got all the way to jollies until my computer then ate him. this was unexpected and not on your warning mail. please be more efficient in the future so i can prepare for such events. look to the screens . . . craig